funny work jokes

Office jokes aren’t just a way to pass the time, they’re also a great way to experience the benefits of humor at work. So if you’re in need of a laugh, or are looking for something fun to add to the bottom of your email signature, try one of these funny work jokes.

  1. A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
    The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”
    The man says “I’m probably too honest.”
    The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
    The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”
  2. My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
  3. Some people say the glass is half full. Some people say the glass is half empty. Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary.
  4. I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
  5. My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
  6. The reason we “nod off to sleep” is so it looks like we’re just emphatically agreeing with everything when we’re in a boring meeting.
  7. When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.
  8. Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
  9. I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
  10. Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
  11. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
  12. I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.
  13. My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
  14. The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you.
  15. There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
  16. My annual performance review says I lack “passion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.
  17. I get plenty of exercise – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
  18. How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
  19. If every day is a gift, I’d like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
  20. Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
  21. I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss.
  22. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  23. The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.
  24. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
  25. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  26. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?
  27. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
  28. The boss frowns on anyone yelling: “Hey Weirdo!” He says too many people look up from their work.
  29. Things really haven’t gotten worse. We’ve just improved our inter-departmental communication skills.
  30. Anything that could possibly go wrong often does – as well as a thing or two that couldn’t possibly.
  31. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  32. If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake.
  33. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  34. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  35. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
  36. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
  37. I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
  38. Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
  39. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  40. To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
  41. A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.
  42. I don’t work well under pressure… or any other circumstance.
  43. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  44. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
  45. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  46. A work week is so rough that after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
  47. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  48. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
  49. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  50. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  51. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  52. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
  53. I couldn’t work today because of an eye problem. I just can’t see myself working today.
  54. When in doubt, mumble.
  55. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  56. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  57. When it comes to work, change is inevitable, except from the vending machine.
  58. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
  59. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
  60. Keep the dream alive: hit the snooze button.
  61. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
  62. Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
  63. I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
  64. The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
  65. Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
  66. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
  67. It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
  68. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  69. Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things.
  70. I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
  71. People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
  72. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
  73. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
  74. Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
  75. I don’t mind coming to work, it’s the 8-hour wait to go home I can’t stand.
  76. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
  77. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
  78. Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
  79. My biggest professional ambition is to get a desk where no one can see my computer monitor but me.
  80. A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
  81. If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
  82. It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.
  83. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
  84. The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
  85. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
  86. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
  87. I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
  88. I like my job only marginally more than I like being homeless.
  89. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
  90. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
  91. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
  92. There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
  93. With a calendar, your days are numbered.
  94. A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
  95. I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!
  96. Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
  97. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  98. All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.
  99. It’s not who you know, it’s whom you know.
  100. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  101. I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

SOURCES:

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things we all do at work

Things We All Do When Checking Email

  1. Open an email, read it, then mark it as Unread so you deal with it later.
  2. Reread the email you just read because you weren’t really paying attention the first time you read it.
  3. Ignore an email for a week and then respond, “Sorry for the delay, I just now saw this.”
  4. Schedule an email to send at 9am so people don’t know you were writing it at 10pm.
  5. Proofread your email 3 times before sending it then notice a grammatical error 2 seconds after you hit sent.
  6. Send an email with an attachment but forget to attach the file. Reply to everyone, “Whoops! I guess it would help if I actually attached it.”
  7. At least once in your lifetime, be the person who accidentally replies-to-all when you shouldn’t have.

Things We All Do in Meetings

  1. Google a person you are meeting for the first time. Then Google yourself to see what they saw about you.
  2. Decline an invite because of “another meeting” when the “other meeting” is with yourself to get work done (or browse the internet).
  3. Pace back and forth while on the phone.
  4. Frequently check yourself out while on a video conference call.
  5. Get distracted while on a conference call then when you realize you’ve been asked a question, say “I’m sorry it was hard to hear the last part, can you repeat your question?”
  6. Miss that it is your turn to speak on a call and when someone else says something, say “Sorry, I was on mute.”
  7. Feign like you heard something after they’ve repeated it a third time and hope you don’t have to do anything.

Things We All Do at Networking Events

  1. Sign up for a networking event because you know it’s good for your business then dread the day when it actually comes.
  2. Pretend not to see someone at a networking event who you’ve met before but don’t remember their name.
  3. Miss hearing someone’s name during an introduction because you were thinking about how you were going to say your own name.
  4. Walk around the room pretending to look for someone specific when you’re really just looking for someone to talk to that won’t seem awkward.
  5. Fake a yawn to make sure you don’t have bad breath before talking to a group of people.
  6. Excuse yourself from a boring conversation by saying you have to go to the bathroom; go to the bathroom and just stand there a few moments so you don’t seem like a liar.
  7. Take someone’s business card because they offered it even though you’ll never contact that person.

Things We All Do While Working

  1. Wear headphones even when you’re not listening to music, either to get people to stop bothering you or because the music stopped 45 minutes ago but you just now realized it.
  2. Hit “Ctrl + S” a few times just to make sure the document really saves.
  3. Say “Wed-nes-day” phonetically to help you spell it (and “Feb-ru-ary”).
  4. After correctly spelling a difficult-to-spell word, type asdf to make sure the squiggly line appears and spellcheck is working.
  5. Keep 20+ tabs open on your browser because you’ll eventually get back to them. Get upset when you have to restart your browser / computer because you have to close all of the tabs you never got to.
  6. Alt/Cmd + Tab through all of your open programs. Continually switch back and forth between the wrong ones.
  7. Read lists like this instead of actually getting work done.
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funniest kids questions

Most people are naturally curious. We wonder why things are the way they are and we investigate them, whether that’s exploring the great cosmos or simply checking IMDB to see where we’ve seen that actor before (chances are it’s Gary Oldman and the answer is everywhere).

Some of the most naturally curious people are kids, which means they have awesome questions. Below is a compilation of some of funniest questions from kids, compiled from various links around the internet.

About the World

  1. “Mom…my belly hurts…am I pregnant?” asked by 5 year old boy (/u/I_Climb_Most_Things)
  2. To a person with medical tape over their eye, “Are you a pirate?”
  3. “In the olden days, was everything black and white?”
  4. While cookies are baking, “Are the cookies loading?
  5. “Why do I have two eyes if I only see one thing?” (/u/ArcticZen)

What Is Up With That?

  1. “If plants need rain and sun to grow, and rainbows are made of light and water, are rainbows plant food?” (/u/some_body_else)
  2. “Why do spiders run away when I fart?” (/u/-Teekey-)
  3. “Why did swear words get invented if we’re not allowed to say them?”
  4. “Why are you buying beer, Dad? Do you know how much candy we could get with that money?”
  5. “Did you know god can’t even kill ghosts? What’s up with that?” (/u/andmorepro)

Really Good Questions (That I Don’t Know the Answer To)

  1. “What’s faster? Fire or dust?” (/u/Pseudoku)
  2. “Did ants invent the world’s first social network?” (@kateonthinice)
  3. “How did people make the first tools, if they didn’t have any tools?” (/u/word_nerd7623)
  4. “Why is the moon called the moon?” (/u/Mr_A)
  5. “What is the name of the space between the bits that stick out on a comb?” (/u/siriusgrey)

These Are Pretty Deep for Kids

  1. “How do I know that I’m real and not just a dream of someone else?” (/u/thinwhiteduke99)
  2. When looking at a baby: “Do they know they’re alive yet?” (username deleted)
  3. “I wonder what my arm tastes like?” He then licks his arm, looks off in the distance, and says “Tastes…neutral.” (/u/agrammalech)
  4. “Dad, are there infinite words?”
    “No, son, but there are infinite numbers.”
    “Well if there is a word for every number, then there must be infinite words.” (/u/Waja_Wabit)
  5. “What did it feel like on your last day of being a child?”

Far Too Deep for Any of Us

  1. “Why do we have to be born young and grow old, why can’t we be born old and get young?” (@KellyRocks)
  2. “Why can’t I see my eyes?” (@seasiderclare)
  3. “Why don’t crabs have eyebrows?” (/u/Gao_tie)
  4. As we’re sitting at a restaurant, “Why are we here, Daddy?”
    “Well, we’re here to have lunch!”
    “No, no. Why are we here ON THIS EARTH?” (/u/kateysomething)
  5. “Where do thoughts come from?” (/u/shrevid)

Some of these are questions I didn’t even know I had. For answers to questions you (or kids) may have with answers you can actually understand, check out reddit’s Explain Like I’m 5. For more questions, check out 50 questions to get to know someone.

Sources:

 

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An intense day at the office caught on GoPro.

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It’s all about the mental math.

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